My brain is swimming with thoughts of having another baby. It seems like the hubby and I have permanently made our residence on a rubber (ha) floaty of dreams, lazily floating down the river of possibility. I have to admit, it is fun (and even exciting) to dream about a new little one, especially when 6 months ago I didn't think there would ever be a thought of another baby, yet my anxiety always seems to get the best of me when conversations (or thoughts) of another pregnancy arise.... the timing still feels off, but I desperately want to be ready now. I worry, because I still have symptoms. I still frequently will have foggy moments. I still have trouble even seeing a newborn baby without being terrified that the scary thoughts are going to come back, and usually, it is the anxiety or the fear of the thoughts, that triggers them to rear their ugly head. Granted, they are not even close to even being in the same realm as when I had my breakdown, but still.
Then my mind goes to that pesky place, what if I never feel ready? It's been THREE years. What if, I wait and wait, wanting to feel ready, and it just never happens, I never do feel ready? What then? I don't want to plan my whole life around this depression. That thought alone makes me depressed. I want to live, I want to continue on with my life and let the past be past. But it is SO hard. So very hard.
Having been battling with these significant feelings for the last couple of months, I was excited to see that my new pal over at Arms Wide Open has dedicated the past several weeks to the same topic. When do we know we are really truly ready for baby numero dos? She has some incredible guest posts that sheds some light on the issue. I urge you to go check it out. It is very insightful.
So, as of right now, we are waiting. That's the verdict. But I keep hoping that I will magically wake up and feel completely normal, and just know that the time is now, life will be great from here on out, the green light for baby making blinds us with it's certainty..... Wishful thinking, I know. But seriously, a girl can hope. :)