Friday, August 20, 2010

Life is like a mountain

We are home from vacation! It was amazing, and terrible and incredible all at the same time!
I managed to have two panic attacks while I was gone. One attack happened for no reason while we were shopping, but the other one happened because we attempted to drive to the top of Mt. Evans...I am afraid of heights. Deathly afraid. So, honestly, I felt that the last panic attack was was justified. But you see, no matter how justified it may have been, I didn't make it to the top. I chickened out and let this....
get the best of me and create this....
Me crying my eyes out begging to go home....which my hubby graciously agree to do...

I truly was afraid, and I had reason to be was scary stuff; there were no guard rails, the lanes hardly were big enough for one car, let alone two, and the fog thick...but slinking back didn't get me to the finish line. Instead it sent me back to the hotel room feeling completely taken out, filled with a sense of failure. I didn't face my fears, I had let my fears face me and back me down the mountain to run home in tears. 

That is when mama bear mode kicked in...when I realized what had been robbed from me. In slinking back from the scary hard stuff, I failed to reach the really beautiful things. The beauty had been robbed by the fear. What a metaphor for life. The moment I realized that, I made up my mind. I was going to get to the top of that mountain, or die trying....  
Suddenly it became something so much more than just seeing the view. It became a mission to conquer the fear and pain of the last three years, throw it in ppd's face that, "YOU CAN'T HAVE ME!" You hear that ocd? "YOU CAN'T HAVE ME! I am NOT YOURS! I was created for a purpose, and it wasn't to be your prisoner." We went back to the mountain, and you know what I did?
                       I climbed....oh did I climb....(actually we drove, but it's a metaphor people ;)

And you know? I made it. I actually made it...I conquered that mountain and lived to see the view!
We hiked to a place that was completely private and I picked out 5 rocks. Each rock represented a major issue in the last three years; anxiety, depression, ocd, anger and pain. I created a little pile of them and told God that I now was giving them all back to him. And then with everything in me, I threw each one of those rocks off the mountain!
It was a moment I will NEVER forget! Maybe the sentiment was just for me and others may not understand, but it felt amazing to use every ounce of my strength to throw those heavy rock burdens off the side of the mountain, naming them one by one and yelling "so long."

I realized while I was at the top of that mountain, that is represented another baby for me. I am terrified to have another child. But maybe, just maybe the fear of what could happen (ppdocd..), is robbing me of what could be.

That day my heart healed just a little bit more, and as I walked along side my family, I realized for the first time, that I really truly am going to make matter what mountains I have to climb :)

1 comment:

  1. What a wonderful, victorious testimony! And a beautiful analogy of ridding yourself of your five "rocky enemies." The view from the top is worth the climb! It is a conquest and you don't do it alone.