That was the overwhelming feeling that took over my being as I popped that little white pill.
Sheer disappointment that I am still fighting this battle. I had an anxiety attack today...on our vacation...right when we were suppose to be having the time of our lives. And for the life of me, I absolutely did not want to take an anti-anxiety pill. I fought it and fought it and fought it, hoping that the feelings/thoughts would pass. They did not. They escalated even more until I could hardly handle it...my husband found me a quiet little bench amidst the busy tourist town, and we sat there as I forced myself to gag down my medication and wait for it to take effect. I honestly thought that I was going to die. My mind went to that place, I was sure that something was seriously wrong with me, "why the heck is my hubby not taking me to the hospital?! Can't he see I am dying? Oh God, I'm gonna die, please don't let me die....Gracie needs her mom...I need my mom. Where is my mom! I have cancer, it has to be cancer....." blah blah blah. Thankfully it was short lived, and the dreaded pill helped immensely.
I am not exactly sure why I hate those little pills so much. Maybe that isn't normal. Maybe I should love them and be so incredibly grateful that they are there for me when I need them.... But the thing is, I feel so excited when I realize that it has been x amount of days/weeks since I have needed an anti-anxiety pill, and then, when I really do need to take one, I feel so dejected and discouraged. Somehow it feels like I am not really getting better if I need to take the pills. I know that is stinkin' thinkin', and I am working on telling myself the truth, but maybe some of you can relate?
I'm a work in progress. I'm gettin' there, slowly, but little by little, ocd is losing its power. THANK YOU GOD! I'm taking this attack for what it was, just another step closer to the finish line of recovery. I absolutely will not let this ocd crap rule my life. Dang-it, I'm gonna enjoy my vacation, cause it's a dang good lover! ;)