Sunday, June 20, 2010

Not quite ready...

I'm having a hard time writing the posts about my story. I feel like I am opening up a massive, gigantic, slimy can of worms that I have held inside for so long...gross analogy, but you catch my drift. It's just that it's been a lot more emotional than I thought it would be to share all of this with you all.

So, I am going to be nice to myself tonight and finish the rest of my PPD/OCD story tomorrow. Right now I am going to write about whatever the heck I feel like... :)

So on that note, as I was looking at pictures of my friends on  facebook ,I thought about how blessed they are, and they don't even know it. How easy it is to take health and stability for granted without a moments thought. I had to work at not being resentful and jealous as I viewed the happy smiles on faces that I pray will never know the heartbreak of mental illness. The question "why me" has come up too many times to count, but I dare not really ask it. I know the answer-why not me. One thing I do know; I will never be the same. This experience has so incredibly shaped my entire being, I no longer fit the mold that I used to snuggle into so comfortably. But I guess that's ok. This is my story, my life. I am a warrior mom, I am making it.

Do any of you ever just want to run away? Just get away, go someplace, anyplace, doesn't really matter where, just as long as it is not home? I do. I have found that with this whole PPD/OCD thing, I just want to run away, start over, move someplace else, go on a vacation, anything to give me freedom from this life, from this pain...I feel so trapped in my situation. if I could just GO, then maybe, just maybe my problems, my thoughts, this FOG wouldn't follow me. It's a nice daydream...Then I wake up and realize that reality is cruel and won't leave me alone. A trip won't fix things, I can't run from this. It is not going to just go away. I have to face it, head on, and it sure is ugly to look at. One day at a time, one hour at a time, on minute at a time. That is how I fight this battle.

Well, I am off to bed for the night. I'll post again in the A.M. Goodnight all!

P.S. I want others to know that I have started this blog, but I have no idea how to get the word out, anyone have suggestions? Thanks!!!


  1. I have also felt that "wanting to run away" feeling.

    When I'm not being rational, it makes a lot of sense.

    When I am being rational, I realize that the illness will follow me. Bummer.

  2. Hi Leigh,
    If I had a dollar for every time I thought that I would be a millionaire!! I live on the east coast of FL and the beach has often been that place of refuge ... I know I'm blessed to have that. My hubby and I try, ... really try to take mini breaks and just pick up the kids and go to the beach .. it's hard cause it doesn't happen alot.
    Do you have a close, non judgmental listening friend that you can share all details of what you are dealing with? Getting it out is a tool to healing! Hang in there, you are NOT ALONE!!
    I too just started blogging, when you have time check it out
    Leslie @Just Another PPD blog

  3. There are days when I'm driving to work I desire to just keep on going. I even imagine the driving, the road trip, but always pull in to the right parking lot. I have done this since I was a child. I understand more than you realize, sweet child. I love you and am proud of your courage and your desire to be be the best you can be. You'll make it . I believe it.