My brain is swimming with thoughts of having another baby. It seems like the hubby and I have permanently made our residence on a rubber (ha) floaty of dreams, lazily floating down the river of possibility. I have to admit, it is fun (and even exciting) to dream about a new little one, especially when 6 months ago I didn't think there would ever be a thought of another baby, yet my anxiety always seems to get the best of me when conversations (or thoughts) of another pregnancy arise.... the timing still feels off, but I desperately want to be ready now. I worry, because I still have symptoms. I still frequently will have foggy moments. I still have trouble even seeing a newborn baby without being terrified that the scary thoughts are going to come back, and usually, it is the anxiety or the fear of the thoughts, that triggers them to rear their ugly head. Granted, they are not even close to even being in the same realm as when I had my breakdown, but still.
Then my mind goes to that pesky place, what if I never feel ready? It's been THREE years. What if, I wait and wait, wanting to feel ready, and it just never happens, I never do feel ready? What then? I don't want to plan my whole life around this depression. That thought alone makes me depressed. I want to live, I want to continue on with my life and let the past be past. But it is SO hard. So very hard.
Having been battling with these significant feelings for the last couple of months, I was excited to see that my new pal over at Arms Wide Open has dedicated the past several weeks to the same topic. When do we know we are really truly ready for baby numero dos? She has some incredible guest posts that sheds some light on the issue. I urge you to go check it out. It is very insightful.
So, as of right now, we are waiting. That's the verdict. But I keep hoping that I will magically wake up and feel completely normal, and just know that the time is now, life will be great from here on out, the green light for baby making blinds us with it's certainty..... Wishful thinking, I know. But seriously, a girl can hope. :)
I know how you feel, however we weren't really able to plan our second. He was just really unplanned. When we found out I was pregnant I thought I was ready and my symptoms had subsided, but they hadn't. They were only buried, and started reappearing heavier and heavier throughout the pregnancy, and now I'm at where I'm at...symptomatic and trying to find time to go to the doctor.
ReplyDeleteGood luck in figuring out when you're ready!! So glad you stopped by.
first of all thanks for linking to my blog! secondly, i feel like i wrote this post word for word. are you sure i didn't? ;) you raise such an important question: will we ever feel ready? that is something i am struggling with a lot. where is the balance between wisdom or caution & that leap of faith? i don't have the answers. i had some bad anxiety this month (trigger is traveling for me) and sometimes i feel like i'm back at square 1. it's frustrating. i don't know if i'll ever feel completely healed. i know other survivors say they are... so that gives me hope...
ReplyDeleteThank you for this. I feel the exact same way. Heck, it's been three years for me too. It's a constant topic of discussion because I don't want my experiences with Linus to mean I'll never have the big (or even small) family I hoped for.
ReplyDeleteLately I've been providing part time care for my 4 month old niece. She's about as easy as they come, yet when holding her I swing back and forth between jealousy for my SIL's experience and happiness for them and between wanting another one and utter terror in doing it all again. I get very anxious when I can't get her to stop crying. Of course, this time I'm able to talk myself through it and usually remain calm.
It doesn't help that my son is in the midst of terrible threes. When he has a tantrum, all the anxiety and helpless feelings return.
Like you, I don't know what to do. I'd hate to look back years from now and regret not having another, but for now I guess we just keep hoping for the unplanned.
-Abby
Thank you ladies, for all of these comments. I am the mother of a beautiful 3yr old daughter Lily, and I seem to have constant anxiety about anxiety! I really want another, my biological clock is ticking, nearing 39, yet after Lily was born I had a mixed bipolar episode. My only other episode was 14 years prior so I was completely blindsided. Anyway, I "think" we are ready to try, but I'll need to taper off meds soon, which makes me anxious. Finding these blogs and talking to my therapist and folks at NAMI is really helpful. Bless all of you beautiful mamas! ~Julie
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