No, I'm not gonna let it get me down.

The world has a way of kicking one when they are down. Ya know what I say to that? Eat it stinkers, jokes on you. Being knocked down only makes me stronger when I use my muscles to jump back up.

So for the inquiring minds, my insurance dropped us.

Yep, that's a kicker.

I am not going to let it get me down, though. I just won't. Nope, will not. Repeat it again, Leigh, "I will not let it get me down". I didn't get treatment for 2 years because I had no insurance, and I regret that with every fiber in my being. I'm going to continue with our plan of action and just pray the money in...These trials WILL make me stronger. Amen and amen.

Could Postpartum depression be hormone related???

I wish there was a magic pill that worked for all women out there who are dealing with postpartum depression. Yeah, yeah, I know, there are antidepressants, but even those don't work for everyone. Like me for example. I am on my 3rd type of med and I am still experiencing symptoms.

UGH!

(I hate that word."Ugh." At least in this context. It doesn't even begin to cover how I feel about the situation, but the words I would use in its place to describe my angst aren't very Christian of me, so "ugh" will have to do.)

All the doctors I have been to tell me that my hormones have nothing to do with the problem. I am not convinced. I mean, hello, don't hormones play a rather significant role in my getting pregnant? Don't they play a rather teensy, tiny role in giving birth, and bonding, and breast feeding, and yada, yada, yada? You can't tell me that there is no correlation.


Just for my own curiosity I asked my doctor to test my hormone levels. He was VERY reluctant, but I am convincing and he finally relented. He made sure to tell me he had NO idea what to do with the results because hormone levels fluctuate so much naturally throughout the month. I didn't tell him that I had been doing my own research, doctors cringe when you tell them that.


Anyways, I took the test two days after I started my period. My progesterone level came out normal, but I was taken aback when I read that my estrogen level was a 15. FIFTEEN people. While on my period. It is suppose to be between 50-400. But alas, my doctor got mad at me when I addressed concern because "it may be that my body normally has a lower rate of estrogen."


OK...!?


So I went to a different doctor, and they told me the same thing. I am confused. My symptoms are definitely worse at certain times of the month.


Does anyone have the same issue, or am I the odd ball?

OOOoooo you taste so good ;)

Mmmmm, mmmm, mmmmm...........

I love my man. I mean, look at him......

How could you not love a gorgeous face like that? I'm biased, but still. And he's a mans man. That's right ladies, no prissy boy here, this guy's made of braun. He's a fighter, a leader, a protector, a lover (heck yeah), a man that's not afraid to look death in the eye (and has, several times), he's a man that has more to be proud of then most men, and yet remains to this day, to be thee most humble man I have ever met. He loves his family more than life itself and doesn't go a day without telling me I'm beautiful. I have watched him grow into the man he is today and I love him with all my heart. And you know what the very best part is?

He's mine! :)

The simple life of a happy man's wife

Alas, it is Friday evening and I haven't written anything for quite some days. It has been a crazy, hectic couple of weeks that kind of threw me into a chaos induced anxiety. I always get so discouraged even when the slightest symptoms begin to appear, and this time is no exception. Except for one little thing...I refuse to be controlled by the hideous ppd/ocd beast anymore. Ha to you, bucko. As far I am concerned, you, ppd/ocd were thrown out of the building and the doors locked behind you. No amount of banging is going to make me allow your ugly face back into this place. You hear me? You are NOT WELCOME. The party has started and you're not invited. Ever. I am going to love my life and you, ppd/ocd, are going to go into a dark corner and die a miserable, slow death while I sit back and sip my fresh lemonade and watch my darling daughter squeal in delight while running through the sprinkler.

I'm simply not going to tolerate this illness any longer. It has taken too much of my life already, and I won't let it take anymore. Even when I have symptoms, I am NOT going to allow those feelings to take me away from my precious reality. I am still going to LIVE. I am still going to LOVE. I am still going to ENJOY things. Despite the pain. This battle will end, I have assurance of that. It just takes time. So knowing that, I am going to make every effort to enjoy my life where I am at. Even if it is something so simple as a glass of lemonade. I am going to work at appreciating the little things. So on that note, I was feeling a little creative (gasp) and decided to snap a few pictures of some of the things that make me deliriously happy. Since I know that you are all just DYING to know what my little mind finds pleasurable, I decided to post a few. In fact, I believe I am going to make this a habit, every Friday I will post something that makes me happy. So I begin with my sweet baby girl....

My little peanut watching the parade

Clearly I am supplying salad to the entire world

 

Raspberry, mint lemonade made with mint from my garden and raspberries that we picked from the wood behind our house. Mmmmm

 

Meet Henrietta...I call her Henny. She is loved.

                  I actually have my own tomato plants. This brings my heart unmeasurable amounts of joy ;)

And last but not least, my nearly finished bathroom remodel...I just realize that a light is out, whoops.

Chocolate mint and God

"I am not where I need to be, but THANK GOD I'm not where I was" - Meyers

Ain't that the truth of it?! I am not 100% better. Not by a long shot.The last 3 years has been a battle...one of the fiercest I have known. I am still recovering. I am still bleeding. I am still licking my wounds and waiting for all the pain to subside. But you know what? Healing is happening.  I know it is, because ever so slowly (slowly being the operative word), I am noticing that the color is coming back to my life. The joy is gradually creeping in for split moments and I realize that I really am living...not just existing.

Today I want to encourage you. Yeah, YOU. Life is hard. It hurts. The pain sometimes FAR outweighs the joy. I know this. First hand. But I want to share a few verses with you that I claimed with every fiber of my being in my darkest moments, even when I wasn't even sure if God really did exist, I clung to these two verses, because otherwise, there was no hope. There was no purpose to my pain. And if there is one thing I believe is true, it is that there is a purpose for all of this.

I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving kindness. I will build you up again and you will be rebuilt, o Virgin Israel. Again you will take up your tambourines and go out to dance with the joyful
                         Jeremiah 31:3b-4

But I will restore you to health and heal your wounds, declares the Lord,
because you are called an outcast. Zion for whom no one cares. 
                        Jeremiah 30:17


One thing I want to stress is that being rebuilt takes time. Healing takes time. Restoration takes time. It will happen. You will get better. WE will get better. There is hope. :)


Now for the inspirational picture....I planted these today...and I love them!

That large leafy plant in the back? Yeah, chocolate mint. No lie. A plant made to taste like heaven, who knew!

My baby love

Today I long for another baby. My arms ache to hold a new precious bundle, to feel life inside of my body again and to have my husband experience the reality of me growing large with our child. It is a deep, intimate desire of my heart, a pain that something...someone is missing in our family. But we wait. Or rather, I demand we wait.

You see, I want another baby. So badly actually, that my longing for the pitter patter of little feet makes my heart hurt. But I am scared. Terrified actually. I am just now starting to get better after 3 years and what if it happens again? Oh LORD what if it happens again? I can't do it again. I can't live in that hell again. HELL people! I am not joking. This illness comes straight from the fiery depths of hell. Of that I can be certain. It was a living hell. In my head. And you can't get away from your head. So the question remains; can I do it again? Am I willing to take that chance?

Yes.

Because Gracie was, is, and will always be worth everything I ever went through after her birth.

And any other future babies will be too.....and that's that.


.............BUT.....I think we'll wait just a little bit longer..........Ya know, cause it's fashionable to have your kids 298734 years apart ;)

La la la loooove summer time!

It really is the little things in life that give so much pleasure. We took a mini vacation this past week and spent our time roaming lake islands. It was amazing. For a few days, I got to forget everything that these past three years have been and just simply enjoye my baby. It was incredible, lovely, beautiful, precious and oh so past overdue. I relished every moment and locked it away in my heart to be cherished for ever. Here are a few pictures of this weekend. :)